Street sweepers, June bugs ..

and public speaking

I’m guessing you are wondering what these obscure and seemingly unrelated subjects have in common.

A giant truck with huge extending brushes designed to clean up edges of roadways .

A clumsy beetle like insect that only appears in the Spring .

Public speaking-when one has to speak in front of an audience as a performance (either ad lib, rehearsed or read.)

In my world all of these subjects have caused me to experience intense (often unreasonable, illogical ) fear .

As an under five year old, I inexplicably became overcome with a crazed sort of panic (this involved screaming and arms lashing about) whenever I set my sight on a road sweeping machine. The mere sight of those rotating brushes could send me into fits of hysteria.

To this day it makes no sense.

My mother’s theory was my grandmother used a floor polisher to block her stairs so I wouldn’t climb them but that sounds a bit over the top..Then again who knows where some of our quirky fears really originate!

I did eventually get over this odd fear as I grew taller and wiser - and of course this was replaced by other seemingly unnatural reactions to life events and things .

June Bugs are really quite innocuous..but when I experienced them flying into me while outside in the dark in Spring in my twenties I became quickly fearful of their unpredictable landings on my head; in my hair and on my face..Today this strikes me as such an odd response as I was a child who did not fear insects ,spiders,snakes ,frogs etc

When I later learned that the unfortunate June Bug possessed such a short life cycle I developed an empathy for this misunderstood insect -Apparently as adults they live only one summer season. Lately I have been observing their poor upside down bodies on my front porch and feeling only sympathy and no fear.

Public speaking is another fear conquered more or less over several decades of my adult life . It Started with my ill fated skunk speech in grade 5 when I froze in front of my classmates and teacher and could not utter a sound- desperately clutching my cue cards..I was truly a shy child and mortified by what I sensed was potential judgement -or material for teasing after this performance.

While in my 30’s I had a supportive supervisor in my workplace who believed I could deliver workshops to other partner organizations in the community (I was a counsellor with street involved youth at the time ) and later speak at a national convention for HIV in front of colleagues from across Canada ..

I approached these lofty roles with initial trepidation and plenty of fear, yet knowing I had a mentor in the sidelines believing in my capacity to deliver caused this fear to diminish -and my confidence to soar ! It helped that my subject matter was dear to my heart -and that by conveying this info with passion it might enhance other’s capacity to speak with youth about staying safe (This was in the early Time of AIDS and talking prevention and safer sex was paramount )

Later in life delivering workshops and running groups became second nature as the early fears were minimized with experience, routine and familiarity.

As a retired person -my opportunities for talking in front of a crowd have been less common. Presenting in front of group of people celebrating Robbie Burns night -and telling my story about a residency attended in Scotland created the same rush of insecurity prior -which then thankfully rolled into a comfortable presentation.

At my daughter’s wedding a few weeks ago I was again full of nervous energy about a speech (which of course meant a lot to me) and to get through it without blanking out or tripping over my words..after it was over my heart was warmed that she had received it well ..and that others resonated with my words also.

Two Saturdays ago I spoke at the reception of a local exhibit“Clotheslines” (-where my art was featured and apparently 150 people attended ) Yes I was still a bit wobbly prior to speaking -but all in all this went smoothly.

What indeed was all the fuss about ?

“Clotheslines” opening reception

With repetition these fears become smaller and less significant -as we witness and note that truly the outcome is usually a non event .

Often our built up fears are more huge than the actual experience . We perseverate and fuss and then - just do it .

Teaching an art workshop last weekend went ultra smooth as I was prepared for various scenarios - and also knew that once I had met all of the participants , the mystery would be stripped away and I could dive in and strive to create a positive experience for them.

Making art books at the BiblioArts workshop series

Now I see my adult confidence as well earned over the years . There is a kind of wonder in realizing not too much causes that fear to bubble up as in earlier days.

I love to teach art and find that when I am in my element I can put aside doubts and worries and concentrate on being in the experience . Lots of “doing” has helped remind me that I know how to do this -whatever the change of environment or expectations. I also feel comfortable setting boundaries in what I am prepared to do -or not. Sometimes a bit of nervous energy gives me an adrenaline rush and helps ease me into the performance aspect .

Nervousness or fear does not disappear entirely but having conquered many of these fears over time has assured me that it will all be ok ..What’s the worst that can happen?

My mother used to say “There is nothing to be fear but fear itself” Ha!

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Changes..New beginnings and a Sale

I have with some trepidation made a decision to close my Etsy shop after 17 years. Etsy has been good to me. I have connected with some truly loyal patrons over the years (and apparently 3431 admirers ) and it’s had me working hard and steady and kept the creative fires glowing to offer new works and over 1815 sales!

After two years now as retired from my other salaried job and having taken time to ponder where to distribute my energies I now feel it’s best to keep my art in one place . Earlier in the year I opened my Big Cartel website - heathermurray.net and this is where you will find all of my art after June 15th . (I will reflect on these changes and my rationale more in my next upcoming artist jetpack newsletter!)

In the meantime..

I am having a sale ! 30% off all art prints and a few originals in my Etsy shop starting today ..and running only until May 25th

You can find the sale here… My Etsy shop

I am always cheered to hear your thoughts ..

What is your current fear?

Have your fears dissipated with experience and time?

Please leave a comment..or a thought !

Thanks so much for reading Ageless Artist

Heather